Jane
Bits of myself? I am me. Just me. I am complicated. Just like you are. Don't try to simplify things for me because it doesn't work that way.

Wanna go?
Theotherme: Jane

Thursday, May 12, 2011 All the icky-wicky-stinky black stuff that I try so hard to wipe off for so long but never succeeded has slowly been dissipating.
With that, something else replaces the space that used to be black. Something clearer, and prettier.
:)


Thursday, June 3, 2010 music music escape from me. dont hide dont hide, dont run away.


Friday, March 26, 2010 oh i just realized my last post was me complaining about other people complaining? =.=


Thursday, March 25, 2010 I wonder...how come pain is so celebrated?
When did complaining about everything become so popular?
cheese...


Sunday, March 14, 2010 Life is one big disgusting pile of dump.
How He still loves us is beyond me.
Show me alsoooooooooooooo laaaaaaaaahhh!!!! =.o


Sunday, February 28, 2010 In my mind....only words form...and then an imaginary scenario unfolds...
I've never formed full sentences in my mind without trying before...mostly just words or half a sentence. I wonder if everyone else's minds are full of structured and grammatically perfect full essays?
And what language do you think in? I think when i was young I thought in "Hakka", I can't remember if I thought in Mandarin when I was in Hin Hua...but now I think in english most times...
sometimes I'll be singing some tune in my head that I've been listening to before...until I get sick of it even if I dont ever sing it out loud...lol
I used to have many ideologies...
but I was never one to voice them out or one to actively practice what I believed...
so I must never expect everyone to have my perspective and be pissed when they don't right.
....must remember...cos I always forget.
And I'm at awe and wonder of the people around me recently...they've shown me so much more to love...the different dynamics to it, the endless capacities of it. Beautiful.
But also must remember to not let just about anyone who talks a lot or loudly or confidently to mould my thoughts.
"hhmm~hm~hm~hm~hhhhmmmmmm~~~" humming the tune in my mind. hehe..wanna know which tune it is? ask me! :P
I'd wanna list my thoughts now in single words but I've forgotten even those words for now...
eekk....
Thank you, every single one of you out there who's taught me a thing or two about love. Those who show it to me, shower me with it...those who didn't mean to but did anyway by being themselves, those who demonstrate it not knowing anyone was watching... but I was... :)
Love is beautiful. It's in your annoying sisters who compete with each other to see who can annoy you more. It's in the shrieks your mom makes to make you get something. It's in the laughs you get with understanding something only you and another person gets. Its in the passion you see in others. It's in puppies. It's in getting so tired but you stay up for the other person. It's in shutting up and listening to another person's problems and not trying to solve them but just being there. It's in chocolate cake. It's in rain. Or lightning. Or meeting up with friends you haven't seen for years but still feels like no time's have passed. Or people wanting to spend time with you. It's in walking your dog who's always happy to see you even if you've ignored her all day. Laughing. Crying. Falling. Jumping for photos. Getting tickled by tiny fishies nibbling at the skin of your feet. It's in the cool of the night when the fireworks competition is going on and you sit out side at the park to watch it. It's in the asam laksa mini maggi in a soup mug. It's in music. It's in you. It's in me. It's in Him.
Love is beautiful....I just must remember to look for it.

What am I supposed to be saying again?

Jane


Tuesday, January 26, 2010 Seriously!!!

the T word! oh man it's seriously the hardest thing to do. For me that is. Is it the same for you as well?

Man......I think it's the same everywhere la.

It's just the rare moments where you KNOW when, and who to. So....yeah....
:)
Whatever it is, it's just.
hahah.... :P


Saturday, November 7, 2009 When Hate pushes you to the edge, Love pushes back.

When you think you understand, you don't. Maybe only a tiny speck. So keep searching.

Being able to smell is an amazing thing.

Being able to be there when you're there is also amazing. :D

Being alive. WOW! O.o


Wednesday, November 4, 2009 I love, therefore I hang.
I trust, therefore I speak.
I know, therefore I joke.
I care, therefore I ask.
I like, therefore I play.

Water balloons to fire, Helium balloons for air.


Wednesday, June 17, 2009 Where does the road to redemption begin? And where does it end? Or does it ever?

This road is too hard, too hard Lord. Will you please carry me through? Put me in your mighty arms and lift up high. Higher than me, higher than the world. To where there's only peace.
Break me apart, and put me back together again. Please, please. Let me have a drop of the ocean of wisdom You possess. I am worth nothing if You are not with me. Please take me and make me of worth.

Revert me back to childhood, I want to be the child that sees the world through innocent eyes. Never fearful of what the world is out there. But embracing the truth that is within me. Let little things make my days joyful. Let me learn all over again. I'll be Your little girl. I'll keep my arms and heart open. I love You, Lord.


Wednesday, May 27, 2009 April was my last post. This is the end of may. no matter. This is good. It means there's nothing significantly life changing enough for me to blog about. Or is that a bad thing?

hhmm...I wonder why I have to take on different personalities when I'm around different people. Am I secretly a discriminator without realizing it? NAHHH... Trying to fit in maybe.

I wonder how people sometimes are able to find what they want in life and do so well at it. I'm happy for these people. I wish it for myself. I wish I'd actually do what I said I would. I wish I wouldn't be afraid. Afraid of the questions people ask me that I can't answer. Because the fact is that I don't have an answer that they want to hear. Talking like this makes me wonder am I in fact a functioning human being living in a human society?

In my future, in my mind anyways, I would like to live far away. In a place where... where... you see? I don't even know where I want to be. I want to live in a comfy little apartment. Where I keep only my basic necessities. 1.lomocamera. 2.clothes. 3.food. chocolates to be exactomente. 4.piano. Looking out my window below me is a bustling little town where the bakery and cafe is right across from me. I will smell freshly baked goods and brewed black aromatic coffee every morning. Simplicity.

There's a list on my heart right now. A list of things I need to check off my chest. I need to find meaning.

I need to find meaning. I need You.


Tuesday, April 14, 2009 hmmm...

I'm reading through my friends blogs today.

And im reading about how happy they seem to be. And reading their joy somehow....

makes me feel content. I don't know why. Seeing my friends write about happyness in their blog, makes me happy too! Even if I got absolutely nothing to do with it. Seeing my friends around me happy has the same effect.

also maybe it's because......

I'm happy.

5:02 am

Goodnight!


Thursday, March 19, 2009 Wow...

I just keep forgetting don't I?

That's why I have a song called FORGETFUL.

Jane, remember. remember. remember!!!

too late. Sorry Jane. You're gonna gettit!
I told you so.
I'm sorry,heart.


Friday, February 13, 2009 Jane. Oi, WAKE UP!

Fingers. Oi, TOUCH ON!

Taste buds. Oi, TASTE UP!

Brain. Oi, THINK UP!

Hands and Feet. Oi, MOVE ON!

Senses. Oi, SAVOUR UP!

Eyes. Oi, OPEN UP!

Ears. Oi, LISTEN UP!

Heart. Oi, WARM UP!

Wants. Oi, TAKE UP!

Feelings. Oi, FEEL UP!

Emotions. Oi, WISE UP!

Lips. Oi, SMILE ON!

Impulses. Oi, ACT ON!

BumBum. Oi, GET UP!


Wednesday, February 4, 2009 =(


Sunday, February 1, 2009 This Place is a Prison.

This place is a prison. This place in my head. I'm locked inside. I can't get out. I'm stuck. Trapped.

There's not much space in here. It feels very claustrophobic. Scream all you want. Nobody will hear you. Nobody can hear you. Because the sounds you make in here does not travel to the world outside.

Longing. Longing to go out. Longing to see the outside world. Longing for a breath of fresh air.

A contradiction.

From outside, the prison looks nice, inviting. It looks like such a comfortable place to live in. Looks cozy. Happy. The prison bars are well decorated. The signs on the prison doors are deceiving. The floor mat says:"home sweet home". Walk through the door and you will see.

The room is bare. It's pretty empty. But it's really congested at the same time. There's music. A low pitch of loneliness. There's somebody talking too. There's actually a few voices talking at the same time. They all sound different. They're all saying different things altogether. Some are logical, some are not. Some are just plain crazy talk. Dreamer's talk. Talks of hope. Talks of despair. Talks of giving up. Talks of holding on. They all speak at different volumes. They take turns going louder or softer. Some speak so deafeningly loud I can't block them out.

There's no place to rest. There's no furniture in the prison you see. I feel tired in here. But I can't rest. I can't lean on anything. I'm not sure if anything's safe to lean on.

I'm planning my escape.

5:54PM


Monday, January 19, 2009 Life is full of curve balls. haha. whatever that means. I know nothing in life. I learn. Learning hurts sometimes. Truth hurts. But the Truth sets you free.

Hurt. Hurt allows healing. Hurt takes place so that Healing can begin. Healing itches.

Reading about something and actually experiencing something is totally different. Realization of that is good.

Learn to listen. Listen to others around. Listen to your heart. Listen to God. When it feels wrong. It probably is. It's God way of telling you that something is not right. Lesson learned. Remember. Remember.

No shame in trying. If you fall down once, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again. Don't give up just because. Don't be afraid.

Learn to see things as they are. Not what you want them to be. It's never easy to do. But He'll see you through. Carrying you through, flying above all else with hidden wings.

Don't let your heart get cold. Don't let it harden. Keep your heart tender. Forgive. Even though it is the hardest thing to do. Keeping hurt is the most evil thing you can do to yourself. Hating somebody is horrible only to yourself. The other person feels nothing. But you are eaten up by emotions. So, let go. Let live. Start living.

Easier said than done. All part of growing up.

I didn't want to grow up before. Now I'm grateful for it.


Wednesday, December 10, 2008 On the morning after the mrsc win, I woke up with a knock on the door with Diana informing me that popo's in the hospital. She had a heart attack. I usually never really know how to feel in these situations. I found out when I got there. Looking at her after giving her a kiss on the cheek, holding her hand I felt tears filling my eyes and they started to flow down my cheeks. I was kinda surprised. I kept quiet and looked away so she wouldn't see me but she saw anyways. She smiled and said,"silly girl, what are you crying for?" Well, direct translation would actually be something like: "SohMui, cry for what la?"

I didn't think I was that close to my grandma until that moment.

The doctor at IJN told us that she had 2 leaky valves. I imagine that she had too much in her heart to give that the valves that keeps it from flowing out gave way so her love flows out from every corner of her heart.




Wednesday, November 5, 2008 How do you describe a melody?
How do you translate what is playing in your mind into audible sound for other's to hear?
I wish I had a tape recorder that is linked to my brain.
And when people ask me what I think music should be, I'd simple plug the recorder right into my brain and press playback.
And the device will play the sound of my heart.


Saturday, October 25, 2008 At which point in your life that you gave up who you are? To loose your real identity just to blend in with the crowd. In the end it's not even worth it anyways. Why the desperation to impress? Why are you not enough? Because you are enough! You, without the false pretense. Without having to laugh everything off. To be who you really are. You are complete.

4:53PM


Friday, October 24, 2008 Have been so long since I could blog without stressing about what people might think about it. It shouldn't matter if I do or do not blog about anything that is on my mind. It's supposed to be my thoughts. What I am going through at that moment and time. My blog is precisely that right? My Diary? Do I have to only write about all the happy and positive things in life when I also have other emotions as well? I am trying my best to cope with my feelings and I have to be schooled for writing honestly. So that blog is pretty much an advertising blog. A mask of a blog.

Right now I am at a transitional point of my life. In a few days I would be moving to live with my friends in PeJ. My sister is in Medan-indonesia on a mission trip. Seems like she's having the time of her life there at least from how she describe it in her blog. Anyways she'll be there for 4 more weeks and I'll be living with my friends. After her mission trip, she might be going to Johor right after? So this house in Klang will be abandoned. This house that has been my home for the past 18 years of my life.

I am trying to put my life back together. I will try to read more. I will try to complete my assignments. I will try to attend all classes. I cannot promise anything because it doesn't mean anything unless results are seen. And I also don't want to make promises to myself and then feel disappointed if I don't keep them.

I found some of my old songs last night at the piano. I've quite a collection it seems! As I looked at them one by one and played them all one by one, I started to remember what the songs meant to me at the time that I wrote them. It was quite encouraging to see that God's given all these gifts to me to comfort and remind me of how much I've grown. I like the melodies as well. I'm not stupid after all. I just have a different kind of intelligence.

Amen!


Its 12:20pm right now and my laptop is running on 31% battery life. I better get my power adapter soon before it tanks.

Good day for a 1st entry! Hurrah! The house is just cleaned.